Post by Los Pollos™ on May 2, 2017 20:38:46 GMT
Location: Unknown
Stardate: Unknown
“How did we get into this mess?”
We fade in on two figures travelling across a large and strange desert landscape. The sky above is colored in hues ranging from pink to orange to yellow. The mountains in the distance are shaped like giant marbles and the trees reach up with a multitude of thick squiggly branching stems that end in puffy clusters of dark green bayonet-shaped leaves. The two figures in question can easily be identified as an alien in a mecha-suit and an iPad attached to a segway – Zargnax and COMPUTER.
“Well, after the evil authoritarian artificial intelligence known as AIPollo tried to destroy all of humanity, a great battle commenced during which the aforementioned AIPollo killed our inter-dimensional tentacle organism friend, Algie, which caused an explosion of pure unadulterated dimensional energy that blasted us into an inter-dimensional limbo-type situation. Then we were somehow transported to this strange alien desert planet. According to my calculations there is something here which such a strong dimensional connection to our existence that it pulled us through the multi-dimensionaverse into whatever this dimension is.”
“I know! It was a rhetorical question, you stup-… Ugh, I’m too tired to be angry. And too hungry. How long have we been walking in this multiverse-damned desert anyway?”
“My battery level is too low to make exact calculations, but at least four minut-…”
Before Computer can finish his sentence, he runs into a sudden stop – it’s a creature.
“Ow! What’s going on!?”
The creature sits up and seems to be some sort of hairy humanoid dressed in a trendy tye-dye bandana, cut-off jeans and a tank top marked with a reference to a popular-enough-to-be-hip-but-unknown-enough-to-be-creddy sci-fi tv-show. Zargnax grabs the creature and lifts him up to his feet.
“You tell us, monkey! Where are we?”
“Uh, Joshua Tree National Park, dude.”
“No, I mean what planet? What dimension?”
“Oh… Planet Earth, dimension C-137. Why do you ask? Are you guys from another dimension too?”
Zargnax drops the creature to the ground and looks at Computer.
“Great Ridley Scott!”
----------
Location: A Pollo Bucket restaurant near Joshua Tree, California
Stardate: A few hours later
We fade in on the interior of a Pollo Bucket, where Zargnax and Computer are seated at a table (well, Zargnax is seated, Computer can’t really sit). Zargnax alternates between shoving fried chicken into his mouth and sipping from a large soda. Computer has a charger plugged into him.
“I never thought I could be so hungry that I could eat human food… I thought correctly, this is disgusting!”
“I wonder what brought us back here. If AIPollo is still around we might be in grave danger.”
“Why don’t you just do one of those probability-calculation-data-scan-internet-searches or whatever it is you do?”
“Good idea, Captain! According to my calculations my battery should be charged enough to calculate correctly.”
“Wait, hold on a nanosecond.”
With his eyes fixated on the food tray, Zargnax moves the chicken bucket from the tray to get a closer look at the tray liner.
“’Pollo Bucket presents the greatest return in all of recorded history…’ Computer! Do you know what that means?”
“I-…”
“It was a rhetorical question, you stupendous moron! It means that the humans knew that The Great Zargnax would return to their tiny blue excuse for a planet to finally conquer their entire race! HAHAHAHAHA!!!!”
“Actually, Captain, since the advertisement is referring to Pollomania, it means that AIPollo might still b-…”
Computer is interrupted by the audio-visual sensation of Zargnax kicking away his chair and standing up on the table.
“It means that it is only a matter of time – and outer space – before I conquer all of the championship belts this multiverse-forsaken planet has to offer! Starting with the Scramble Championship! I’ve captured that title before, but like stardust it slipped through the parts of my exo-suit that resemble fingers before I could even grasp it! This time – and outer space – I won’t let that happen again! I’ve been trapped in non-dimensional existence for too long to let it slip away! It doesn’t matter what type of foe they throw in my path! Whether it be humanoids, chickenoids, clownoids or one-arm-oids – they shall all be conquered! This planet will be conquered! Humanity will be conquered! You will all be
CONQUERED!
HAHAHAHAHA!!!!”
From behind the counter, a young woman can be heard calling for the manager.
“Mr. Johnson! Someone claiming to be an alien is standing on the table shouting at people again.”
Stardate: Unknown
“How did we get into this mess?”
We fade in on two figures travelling across a large and strange desert landscape. The sky above is colored in hues ranging from pink to orange to yellow. The mountains in the distance are shaped like giant marbles and the trees reach up with a multitude of thick squiggly branching stems that end in puffy clusters of dark green bayonet-shaped leaves. The two figures in question can easily be identified as an alien in a mecha-suit and an iPad attached to a segway – Zargnax and COMPUTER.
“Well, after the evil authoritarian artificial intelligence known as AIPollo tried to destroy all of humanity, a great battle commenced during which the aforementioned AIPollo killed our inter-dimensional tentacle organism friend, Algie, which caused an explosion of pure unadulterated dimensional energy that blasted us into an inter-dimensional limbo-type situation. Then we were somehow transported to this strange alien desert planet. According to my calculations there is something here which such a strong dimensional connection to our existence that it pulled us through the multi-dimensionaverse into whatever this dimension is.”
“I know! It was a rhetorical question, you stup-… Ugh, I’m too tired to be angry. And too hungry. How long have we been walking in this multiverse-damned desert anyway?”
“My battery level is too low to make exact calculations, but at least four minut-…”
Before Computer can finish his sentence, he runs into a sudden stop – it’s a creature.
“Ow! What’s going on!?”
The creature sits up and seems to be some sort of hairy humanoid dressed in a trendy tye-dye bandana, cut-off jeans and a tank top marked with a reference to a popular-enough-to-be-hip-but-unknown-enough-to-be-creddy sci-fi tv-show. Zargnax grabs the creature and lifts him up to his feet.
“You tell us, monkey! Where are we?”
“Uh, Joshua Tree National Park, dude.”
“No, I mean what planet? What dimension?”
“Oh… Planet Earth, dimension C-137. Why do you ask? Are you guys from another dimension too?”
Zargnax drops the creature to the ground and looks at Computer.
“Great Ridley Scott!”
----------
Location: A Pollo Bucket restaurant near Joshua Tree, California
Stardate: A few hours later
We fade in on the interior of a Pollo Bucket, where Zargnax and Computer are seated at a table (well, Zargnax is seated, Computer can’t really sit). Zargnax alternates between shoving fried chicken into his mouth and sipping from a large soda. Computer has a charger plugged into him.
“I never thought I could be so hungry that I could eat human food… I thought correctly, this is disgusting!”
“I wonder what brought us back here. If AIPollo is still around we might be in grave danger.”
“Why don’t you just do one of those probability-calculation-data-scan-internet-searches or whatever it is you do?”
“Good idea, Captain! According to my calculations my battery should be charged enough to calculate correctly.”
“Wait, hold on a nanosecond.”
With his eyes fixated on the food tray, Zargnax moves the chicken bucket from the tray to get a closer look at the tray liner.
“’Pollo Bucket presents the greatest return in all of recorded history…’ Computer! Do you know what that means?”
“I-…”
“It was a rhetorical question, you stupendous moron! It means that the humans knew that The Great Zargnax would return to their tiny blue excuse for a planet to finally conquer their entire race! HAHAHAHAHA!!!!”
“Actually, Captain, since the advertisement is referring to Pollomania, it means that AIPollo might still b-…”
Computer is interrupted by the audio-visual sensation of Zargnax kicking away his chair and standing up on the table.
“It means that it is only a matter of time – and outer space – before I conquer all of the championship belts this multiverse-forsaken planet has to offer! Starting with the Scramble Championship! I’ve captured that title before, but like stardust it slipped through the parts of my exo-suit that resemble fingers before I could even grasp it! This time – and outer space – I won’t let that happen again! I’ve been trapped in non-dimensional existence for too long to let it slip away! It doesn’t matter what type of foe they throw in my path! Whether it be humanoids, chickenoids, clownoids or one-arm-oids – they shall all be conquered! This planet will be conquered! Humanity will be conquered! You will all be
CONQUERED!
HAHAHAHAHA!!!!”
From behind the counter, a young woman can be heard calling for the manager.
“Mr. Johnson! Someone claiming to be an alien is standing on the table shouting at people again.”