Post by Deleted on Mar 20, 2016 3:38:50 GMT
A Pollo Bucket commercial cuts to static, before revealing Pollomania's newest roach-themed luchadora standing in front of a stylized cockroach logo in what appears to be a basement, a table of neatly folded shirts and foam cockroaches behind her.
She is breathing heavily and in a potentially manic state.
La Cucaracha: Nothing goes together like chicken and cockroaches! You want fun? You want excitement? You want an official POLLOMANIA La Cucaracha T-shirt and hissing cockroach for only $49.99? Of course you do! Who wouldn't? Only that smelly kid. Don't be that kid! Everyone hates him and they'll all hate you if you don't buy my merchandise and join the Infestation Nation!
Do you want friends?
Do you want a future?
Nobody wants to live in an ash-covered wasteland and the only way to avoid that is for you to buy one of my t-shirts! I don't need to tell you that if I lose to Ursula Areano and Cornelius Cobblepot that the future of the human race will be in jeopardy! Don't screw up the original timeline! That could have disastrous effects for space-time continuum!
You might never exist!
You'll disappear from photographs!
I have a warehouse full of this shit and my briefcase full of cash is getting dangerously close to being empty! It's been six days since I slept indoors. I blacked out from eating last year's Easter Eggs. I'm supposed to be the savior of humanity and your actions have already damaged the time stream! Possibly irreparably.
Buy this shit!
It's your last chance!
We're all gonna die because of you! Or maybe be enslaved by alien invaders who force us to mate with them! They need our DNA because their own gene pool has grown stagnant!
Tell Pollomania to pay me more! I am the voice of a goddamn generation! I will never stop yelling into this camera until every man, woman and child in North America is wearing shirts and jorts bearing my likeness!
I'm not saying I'll force you, but I assure you I am a genius! I haven't taken a test or anything, but I'm pretty sure!
I'll figure out something!
We also sell masks! My identity is not important and I hide from no one!
I WILL BEAT MY OPPONENTS AT WRESTLING!!!
Ursula Areano and Cornelius Cobblepot, I feel obligated to mention both of you! You're both stupid and I hate you! Unless we're of the same alignment! Kids, if your parents say you can't buy this stuff, then they don't love you! Tell them you want to live with someone else! Then steal their credit cards and order my merchandise anyway! If you don't, I promise that you will never see them again!
I am on an upcoming POLLOMANIA show!
WATCH THAT SHOW OR I WILL FIND YOU!
Bundling up an armful of her official merchandise, La Cucaracha flings it madly at the camera as the feed cuts back to the original commercial for Pollo Bucket.
She is breathing heavily and in a potentially manic state.
La Cucaracha: Nothing goes together like chicken and cockroaches! You want fun? You want excitement? You want an official POLLOMANIA La Cucaracha T-shirt and hissing cockroach for only $49.99? Of course you do! Who wouldn't? Only that smelly kid. Don't be that kid! Everyone hates him and they'll all hate you if you don't buy my merchandise and join the Infestation Nation!
Do you want friends?
Do you want a future?
Nobody wants to live in an ash-covered wasteland and the only way to avoid that is for you to buy one of my t-shirts! I don't need to tell you that if I lose to Ursula Areano and Cornelius Cobblepot that the future of the human race will be in jeopardy! Don't screw up the original timeline! That could have disastrous effects for space-time continuum!
You might never exist!
You'll disappear from photographs!
I have a warehouse full of this shit and my briefcase full of cash is getting dangerously close to being empty! It's been six days since I slept indoors. I blacked out from eating last year's Easter Eggs. I'm supposed to be the savior of humanity and your actions have already damaged the time stream! Possibly irreparably.
Buy this shit!
It's your last chance!
We're all gonna die because of you! Or maybe be enslaved by alien invaders who force us to mate with them! They need our DNA because their own gene pool has grown stagnant!
Tell Pollomania to pay me more! I am the voice of a goddamn generation! I will never stop yelling into this camera until every man, woman and child in North America is wearing shirts and jorts bearing my likeness!
I'm not saying I'll force you, but I assure you I am a genius! I haven't taken a test or anything, but I'm pretty sure!
I'll figure out something!
We also sell masks! My identity is not important and I hide from no one!
I WILL BEAT MY OPPONENTS AT WRESTLING!!!
Ursula Areano and Cornelius Cobblepot, I feel obligated to mention both of you! You're both stupid and I hate you! Unless we're of the same alignment! Kids, if your parents say you can't buy this stuff, then they don't love you! Tell them you want to live with someone else! Then steal their credit cards and order my merchandise anyway! If you don't, I promise that you will never see them again!
I am on an upcoming POLLOMANIA show!
WATCH THAT SHOW OR I WILL FIND YOU!
Bundling up an armful of her official merchandise, La Cucaracha flings it madly at the camera as the feed cuts back to the original commercial for Pollo Bucket.