Post by Los Pollos™ on Oct 25, 2015 16:57:02 GMT
Inside of his old abandoned school bus, Zargnax sits by the driver’s seat. In his hand, he’s holding the microphone connected to the bus’ PA system. He speaks into it.
“Dear Captain’s log… I hate this stupid planet! Everybody’s mean to me! I was the champion! But then I lost it, because they all cheated! And worst of all, they took my Ray Gun and shoved it into my… exo-suit’s… neo-automatized waste-management intra-sewage-portal… Gah! I’ve washed that Ray Gun infinity minus seven hundred times now and I still can’t get the smell out! I hate this planet so much! I HATE IT, I HATE IT, I HA-…”
“Conqueror, we ha-…”
“GAAH!!!”
Zargnax practically jumps out of his seat, as he previously hasn’t noticed Computer approaching. When he sees that it’s just Computer, he settles down and tries to act cool.
“I mean… uh… ‘Sup?”
“We have a probl-…”
Losing his poorly constructed façade of cool, Zargnax gets out of his seat, interrupting his digital companion.
“A problem!? W-what kind of a problem? Are those earthlings coming here!? Are they going to beat me up again? … Because.. I mean.. that’s not a problem! That’s not a problem at all!! I’m way stronger than them! YOU HEAR ME, ROBOT!? IT’S NOT A PROBLEM!!”
“No problem found, Conqeror. No earthlings approaching. Yes, I hear you.”
“W-wha-… No problem? Then what were you saying?”
“I was saying that ‘We Have A Problem’ – Pollomania’s next show – has been announced.”
“Oh… All right then. I… uh… Who is my opponent?”
“Toast.”
“Toast? Like… a toasted slice of bread?”
“Theodore Thomas Toasten, more commonly known by the name ‘Toast’ is a male human. Although he shares as many features with Schlifgloobians, as he does with humans, such as severe hair growth, sloping forehead, disproportionally large hands and a tendency to use bread in combat.”
“I would have preferred a slice of bread. But oh well… So it seems like I won’t be able to use my Mind Control Gun for a while. How’s it going with the Time Control Ray?”
“It is currently in an early prototype-stage. The quantum-molecular dimension-expander has not yet been stabilized and the ray should be used in times of crisis only.”
"All right, if the Mind Control Ray isn’t clean by then, I might use it. *sigh* When did conquering planet become so complicated? It used be as easy as arriving, proclaim yourself Emperor and then leave, you know?”
“To be fair, Conqueror, the only planet you have conquered that has actually hosted animal life was inhabited only by non-sentient herbivorous slugs.”
“Hey! The Shloggons of Slubbicon-4 are way more dangerous than you think! I almost slipped in one of their vicious trails of slime! It was a suicide mission, but I prevailed! You know why?”
“Because its difficulty level was far belo-…”
“Because I’m Zargnax, The Intergalactic Conqueror, for Boson’s sake! I always prevail! And this time will be no different! I AM ZARGNAX AND I WILL CONQUER! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!”
“Dear Captain’s log… I hate this stupid planet! Everybody’s mean to me! I was the champion! But then I lost it, because they all cheated! And worst of all, they took my Ray Gun and shoved it into my… exo-suit’s… neo-automatized waste-management intra-sewage-portal… Gah! I’ve washed that Ray Gun infinity minus seven hundred times now and I still can’t get the smell out! I hate this planet so much! I HATE IT, I HATE IT, I HA-…”
“Conqueror, we ha-…”
“GAAH!!!”
Zargnax practically jumps out of his seat, as he previously hasn’t noticed Computer approaching. When he sees that it’s just Computer, he settles down and tries to act cool.
“I mean… uh… ‘Sup?”
“We have a probl-…”
Losing his poorly constructed façade of cool, Zargnax gets out of his seat, interrupting his digital companion.
“A problem!? W-what kind of a problem? Are those earthlings coming here!? Are they going to beat me up again? … Because.. I mean.. that’s not a problem! That’s not a problem at all!! I’m way stronger than them! YOU HEAR ME, ROBOT!? IT’S NOT A PROBLEM!!”
“No problem found, Conqeror. No earthlings approaching. Yes, I hear you.”
“W-wha-… No problem? Then what were you saying?”
“I was saying that ‘We Have A Problem’ – Pollomania’s next show – has been announced.”
“Oh… All right then. I… uh… Who is my opponent?”
“Toast.”
“Toast? Like… a toasted slice of bread?”
“Theodore Thomas Toasten, more commonly known by the name ‘Toast’ is a male human. Although he shares as many features with Schlifgloobians, as he does with humans, such as severe hair growth, sloping forehead, disproportionally large hands and a tendency to use bread in combat.”
“I would have preferred a slice of bread. But oh well… So it seems like I won’t be able to use my Mind Control Gun for a while. How’s it going with the Time Control Ray?”
“It is currently in an early prototype-stage. The quantum-molecular dimension-expander has not yet been stabilized and the ray should be used in times of crisis only.”
"All right, if the Mind Control Ray isn’t clean by then, I might use it. *sigh* When did conquering planet become so complicated? It used be as easy as arriving, proclaim yourself Emperor and then leave, you know?”
“To be fair, Conqueror, the only planet you have conquered that has actually hosted animal life was inhabited only by non-sentient herbivorous slugs.”
“Hey! The Shloggons of Slubbicon-4 are way more dangerous than you think! I almost slipped in one of their vicious trails of slime! It was a suicide mission, but I prevailed! You know why?”
“Because its difficulty level was far belo-…”
“Because I’m Zargnax, The Intergalactic Conqueror, for Boson’s sake! I always prevail! And this time will be no different! I AM ZARGNAX AND I WILL CONQUER! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!”
FIN