Post by Deleted on Sept 3, 2015 18:36:20 GMT
“Oh, you got us all wrong, Charlotte! Here’s a poem I wrote you.”
Grin is holding a box of dog treats. “MilkBone” is crossed out, over it is scribbled “ThingZingers”. Woody is wearing a “I <3 THINGS” t-shirt. Grin speaks:
“Things One and Two are not to blame!
Things THREE THROUGH FIVE cause all their pain!
And when we make them hit the bricks…
We’ll send what’s left to BIG THING SIX!
We’ll send it, send it, in a box!
With no air holes and three big locks!
Will Six like green Canadian ham?
I HOPE HE DOES, SAYS GRIN-I-AM!!!”
Cut to Woody, wearing a beret and ironic hipster beard. There are notes taped to his hands that say “snap! snap!” Grin leans in to the camera.
“Just because you can’t see my eyes, doesn’t mean I can’t see what’s going on! It all makes SO MUCH SENSE now! Your friendship with the infant immolator! Your bigoted denial of Woody’s humanity! And now… your abusive bullying of those sweet innocent little Thing critters! Of course! I SEE THE LIGHT! CANADIANS ARE THE ENEMY! BUILD THE BORDER WALL!!!”
Cut to Woody, who is now wearing a “Scott Walker 2016” shirt and holding up a hammer and some nails. Grin continues:
“Seriously though, how awesome must I be? You think so little of Woody that you fail to see him as a person, so in your heads, I’m the only threat. Which, hell, I must be one Woody’s-khaki-bulge-sized threat if you’re getting ramped to go five-on-me in Tijuana next week! Seriously, I haven’t been THIS amused by five neurotic Canadian sissies since they cancelled ‘Kids In The Hall’! The thought of all this effort, on MY fat-ass behalf, well… I feel another poem coming on...”
The Grin poses stoically. Woody leans into the frame and holds a magnifying glass up to Grin’s general crotch area. Grin recites another poem:
“Maybe Christmas, Grin thought, doesn't come in December...
In Mexico--perhaps--it will come in September!
And what happened then? Well in Grin’s pants they say,
That his fat greasy pud grew THREE SIZES that day!”
The magnifying glass shatters. The scene cuts once again to Grin’s face:
“So back on topic, Thing One and Thing Two… Woody and I talked it over, and we want to ADOPT you! You two adorable ragamuffins have suffered under cruel Canadian diplomats long enough! Assuming you haven’t both succumbed to Stockholm Syndrome, I’m betting you’d appreciate warm wicker baskets to sleep in and all the Alpo and ThingZingers you can eat! And, of course, pettin’ and lovin’ on your heads!”
Cut to Woody. He’s wearing a shirt that says “LET’S PET THAT THING”. Grin wraps things up:
“So, Thingies… Wanna be friends? Choose wisely, because Brute’s little skull-hug will feel like a mild rain compared to what Woody does to people - AND Things - that cross us.”
(final count: 500 words, 3 shirts, 1 beret, and 1 thing that grew 3 sizes that day)
Grin is holding a box of dog treats. “MilkBone” is crossed out, over it is scribbled “ThingZingers”. Woody is wearing a “I <3 THINGS” t-shirt. Grin speaks:
“Things One and Two are not to blame!
Things THREE THROUGH FIVE cause all their pain!
And when we make them hit the bricks…
We’ll send what’s left to BIG THING SIX!
We’ll send it, send it, in a box!
With no air holes and three big locks!
Will Six like green Canadian ham?
I HOPE HE DOES, SAYS GRIN-I-AM!!!”
Cut to Woody, wearing a beret and ironic hipster beard. There are notes taped to his hands that say “snap! snap!” Grin leans in to the camera.
“Just because you can’t see my eyes, doesn’t mean I can’t see what’s going on! It all makes SO MUCH SENSE now! Your friendship with the infant immolator! Your bigoted denial of Woody’s humanity! And now… your abusive bullying of those sweet innocent little Thing critters! Of course! I SEE THE LIGHT! CANADIANS ARE THE ENEMY! BUILD THE BORDER WALL!!!”
Cut to Woody, who is now wearing a “Scott Walker 2016” shirt and holding up a hammer and some nails. Grin continues:
“Seriously though, how awesome must I be? You think so little of Woody that you fail to see him as a person, so in your heads, I’m the only threat. Which, hell, I must be one Woody’s-khaki-bulge-sized threat if you’re getting ramped to go five-on-me in Tijuana next week! Seriously, I haven’t been THIS amused by five neurotic Canadian sissies since they cancelled ‘Kids In The Hall’! The thought of all this effort, on MY fat-ass behalf, well… I feel another poem coming on...”
The Grin poses stoically. Woody leans into the frame and holds a magnifying glass up to Grin’s general crotch area. Grin recites another poem:
“Maybe Christmas, Grin thought, doesn't come in December...
In Mexico--perhaps--it will come in September!
And what happened then? Well in Grin’s pants they say,
That his fat greasy pud grew THREE SIZES that day!”
The magnifying glass shatters. The scene cuts once again to Grin’s face:
“So back on topic, Thing One and Thing Two… Woody and I talked it over, and we want to ADOPT you! You two adorable ragamuffins have suffered under cruel Canadian diplomats long enough! Assuming you haven’t both succumbed to Stockholm Syndrome, I’m betting you’d appreciate warm wicker baskets to sleep in and all the Alpo and ThingZingers you can eat! And, of course, pettin’ and lovin’ on your heads!”
Cut to Woody. He’s wearing a shirt that says “LET’S PET THAT THING”. Grin wraps things up:
“So, Thingies… Wanna be friends? Choose wisely, because Brute’s little skull-hug will feel like a mild rain compared to what Woody does to people - AND Things - that cross us.”
(final count: 500 words, 3 shirts, 1 beret, and 1 thing that grew 3 sizes that day)